So, I decided I wanted to do a weekly blog entry about a yummy treat you can make at home for your kids. Each week I would make one and showcase my Martha Stewart Perfect creation. Unfortunately, this week I was reminded of a very important point: I am not a stellar chef. :( I fancy myself this wonderful domestic goddess, but it is all hype. I am a pretty awful cook, my house seems to be a constant disaster. It would be generous to say I am a beginning seamstress. I want to be organized, but never seem to stay that way for long. Ah life. The Mama life that is.
I guess when I was young, like most girls my age, we thought by 30 everything would be all figured out. I don't really know what I expected. I am reminded everyday that I am not who I expected to be. Well, I kind of am, just a most frazzled, less glamourous version of her I guess. Maybe that isn't a bad thing. Thing is, I have all the things I wanted. I have a (mostly, sometimes, depends on when you ask me) wonderful husband. Despite all of his faults, I know he loves me. I know he loves our children as fiercely as I do. And to me, that is enough. I don't need Prince Charming, I just need a good man, and I got one. I have a ridiculous house. It may not be the nicest house you've seen, but it is rather large. And perfectly suited for our ever-growing family. (No worries, Dad, I am not pregnant again. Yet.) I have 2 car seats in the back of my car that belong to 2 beautiful little girls. OK, I don't have a career yet, but I am on my way. I have total faith in myself that I will get there. I think I have a pretty decent relationship with God. It, too, could use a little work, but who's couldn't? Basically I have everything I wanted.
So, why do I feel so confused. Still somewhat lost. I have been thinking so much about what I really want to do with my life, where I want to be in another 10 years, and to be honest, I have no idea. Of course I know the big things: I want a healthy happy family (preferably with 2 more babies somewhere in the mix), I want to be a nurse, a mommy. I don't know. Lately I have felt sort of bogged down with everything I guess. How do I get where I am going if I don't know the way? The destination? I don't know... Just needed to ramble I guess. Somedays I feel like I want to be a different person. I still want everything I have in my life, I just want to be a better version of myself. One that doesn't break everything. One that doesn't spill Kool-Aid all over my one year old carpet. (That doesn't come out by the way) One that can put a nice dinner on the table, not burnt, not out of a can, hell, while we're at it one that was cheap and not filled with hormones and antibiotics. I want to be the girl that knows the answers. But I don't.
I am just me. I do burn everything I put in the oven. It takes me 3 hours to sew a straight line. I leave the dishes in the sink until I absolutely have to use them. I am creative, but I have a hard time turning my ideas into reality. Are these horrible characteristics? No. I am not a pervert or a serial killer. I just can't seem to get this supermom image out of my head. I always wanted to give my kids a perfect mother. June Cleaver basically. Now that I have kids, I am realizing that not only is that not possible, it is not necessary. My kids know I love them, they know I would do anything for them, to make them smile, to make them laugh, even if only for a second. So what if I buy frosting out of a can, pre-made pie crust. So what if our craft isn't totally mind-blowing, it's just some stickers I bought for $1. So what if my house isn't perfectly clean and decorated, if I feel like I am losing my mind and running in circles. I managed al the big stuff, now to learn how not to sweat the small stuff.
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