Sayonora 2010

and hello to 2011!  One step closer to the end of the world.  Ha ha.  Not that I believe that per se.  However, if the world ended in the near future, I would be pretty satisfied with my life as it stands.   Of course there are still some things I would like to accomplish should I continue to thrive, but for the most part, I have done what I set out to do.
I have to say though, I am glad to see 2010 go.  Glad to have an excuse for a fresh start.  Hopefully O can do it a little better this time.  I ate black eyed peas twice on New Year's Day so lots of good luck must be coming my way!  No, there were plenty of wonderful things that happened in my life this year.  The most prominent of course was the birth of my most precious second daughter.  Ariana makes me crazy, both in the good way and the bad way.  She is truly mama's girl.  You know I couldn't love my Kira-Bear any more, but Aria, she is all mine and there is something incredible about that.  Speaking of Miss Kira-Bear-Angel, she celebrated her first birthday this 2010.  So many firsts and milestones happen in that first year.  And I suppose continue to happen in the next as she seems to get that much smarter everyday.  
But there were other things too.  I think having kids really did put more strain on my marriage than I have given credit.  For the first time in our relationship, I feel like Steve and I are incapable of getting on the same page and staying there.  We both seem so frazzled all the time.  We are sleep deprived, cranky, and our Cortisol level is off the charts most of the time (indicating that we are definitely feeling some pressure.  Did you know it is scientifically proven that your body reacts to the sound of your baby crying?  Isn't the human body incredible?  The more I learn about the amazing intricacies, the more I wonder how people don't believe there is a God).  It has been difficult to adjust to new schedule, new lifestyles, pretty much a whole new life.  I know I am happy in it, even when I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, and I would like to think he is too, we just can't seem to communicate that to one another.  We don't seem to effectively communicate much to each other lately.  There are two things in my life that I fear above all else: something happening to one of my kids, and waking up one day to find that my husband doesn't love me anymore.  I think the second one puts a lot of stress on me as I am always looking for signs (and, let's face it, making up "signs") that he is losing interest.  And lately, neither of us seem to have the energy to put much into each other.  I love, love, LOVE having tiny babies.  I am one of those crazy people, I know, but I can't help myself.  I love the cuddles, the excitement when they do a new trick, the little tiny outfits and shoes.  I love staying up snuggling with my baby, feeding her, looking into her eyes, telling her I love her.  But somewhere in the midst of all of this, I think I lost myself.  I guess that is a pretty common occurrence in motherhood, but one that needs to be changed none the less.  I feel like I spent a large chunk of 2010 telling myself "it gets better after ORSE.".  (Side-note for all you Non-Nuclear Navy folks: On the boat that was the running joke.  The higher ups always said "things get better after ORSE", ORSE being the big Reactor exam every boat takes in order to continue the nuclear power program.  The thing is, after ORSE comes another ORSE and then another.  There is always something to keep the workload and stress level pretty even, and pretty high.  I'm gonna go ahead and say from experience, things only get better once you get out, and even then, you are probably just as stressed and overworked.)  I thought things would improve between Steve and I when he quit his job.  I understood that spending 60+ hours a week doing something you seriously dislike with people you find boring probably wears you down.  I get it.  But now, he works at Walgreens.  I assume it's pretty low key.  Why is he still so distant?  Somewhere, I thought these past few months having him home would be fun, time for us to catch up and reconnect, but it seems that we have just grown farther apart.  Now I tell myself and we have talked about how this next semester, when we are on better schedules, more suited to our own lifestyles, things will improve.  I truly hope so and I think we are still working towards the same goal.  I just don't want to go on for the next 10 years thinking it will be better tomorrow, or next month, or next year, and next thing you know things are so out of control that we can't get it back.  I realize young babies can put stress on anyone, I just wish I had more reassurance that it wasn't overwhelming our marriage.  I tried to talk to Steve about it last night.  Maybe I brought it up at a bad time, we were in bed about to go to sleep and it was late.  It kind of just fell out of my mouth.  He didn't have much to say about it.  I am not sure what to think of that in itself.  The subject has not been rehashed today, although I have uber aprehensive about it.  He seems to be going along his regular way, but I feel completely awkward.
Anyway, new year, new start.  New fights to have and make up over.  More chances to get it right this time, and certainly a time to get us on a schedule that works for everyone.  I suppose all we can do is love each other as much as we know how.  To wake up every morning grateful that he is still there, smiling, kissing me hello.  I feel good things coming to us this year.  Good things all around.  So happy 2011 everyone!        

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